Ask Mick : I said something insensitive to a friend, what should I do?
Dear Mick,
I said something really rude to a friend. As soon as I heard myself say what I stupidly said aloud, I quickly realized my remark was insensitive to my friend’s heritage and identity. I feel terrible about it and though I immediately apologized, my friend is no longer speaking to me. What can I do? I really don’t want to lose this person as a friend.
Signed, Bias(s) Ignoramus Nincompoop.
Dear Nincompoop,
It seems that you recently became aware of some of your own implicit bias and you are feeling rather guilty. As a first step, I would suggest you take this as an opportunity to learn and take steps towards becoming a more inclusive being, then, work towards repairing your friendship.
I’ve been there. Although I’ve come a long way on my journey since becoming a PCLC*, my homework is ongoing.
First, allow me to share my own cringe-worthy story of the time I said something terrible to a friend…
One evening, Stig (The Cat) was sitting in my armchair.
I asked her nicely if she could move over so that we could both sit and she told me to ‘take a hike’ but used very colourful language followed by a mammalian slur**.
How hurtful.. I stood up, resting my front legs on the chair, ready to tell her that she had hurt my feelings, and the Bag of Rats throws a clumsy haymaker, which I dodge, but the hard double tap swats *THWACK! THWACK!* connected with my nose.
OW! Cat scratches sting! So violent!
Enough was enough.
I swiftly stepped behind the chair and FLING it into the air.
Stig caught her balance by digging her razor sharp toenails into the upholstery.
This time I TOSS the chair with all my Mickers Mightiness and the cat BLASTS through the air, whirling bitey-end-over-smelly-end and sliiiiiiides rear-end first against the wall.
*thump*
‘You will be more comfortable in that’, I said, pointing at a cardboard box.
Stig gave me the finger (the bad one) and hopped into the box.
‘Typical cat’, I guffawed, ‘fall asleep and I’ll ship you some place where cats are on the menu’.
Stig’s eyes narrowed and she told me to ‘go away’ but used a grownup synonym to get her point across.
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt terrible. How could I have suggested such maniacal violence towards a dear friend? What on earth prompted me to bring up such a cruel insensitive stereotype?!
I’m a horrible pig. A bigot (a pig-ot?) A Big Idiot!
Head down, I shamefully approached the cat. ‘Stig, I am so sorry. That was a rude, ignorant, narrow minded, prejudiced thing to say. When I said that, I imagine you may have felt hurt and scared, please accept my apology. You are a dear friend and are very important to me, please take the chair, it’s yours’.
Stig and I touched noses and she brushed up against my face as she made her way to my.. I mean, her chair.
Reflecting back on the incident, I think I said what I said out of fear. You see, I am scared and envious because pigs are often on the menu in the area of the world I live in and cats are not. But, that is neither here nor there, and doesn’t excuse what I said. Stig and I were able to repair our relationship.
I am happy to report that : Stiggers & Mickers Friendship Was Not Cancelled.
The topic is nuanced, I suggest approaching this critical topic as an opportunity to learn and be responsible as we all work towards a more equitable and inclusive culture.
Diversity, Inclusion and… Privilege
By virtue of being a kept pig, I recognize that I am quite privileged: I have a Nanny who feeds, cuddles and entertains me, and a Butler who drives me places, fixes the things I destroy and cleans up after me. I have experienced numerous, as my colleague Oprah says, ‘aha’ moments that have helped me understand my privilege in relation to other pigs and really, to the world at large.
Note that privilege doesn’t mean being immune to hardship or having a difficult time, it’s more to do with having a benefit or advantage by nature of one’s identity.
It’s important though to not view our privilege as a source of guilt, or a burden. I mean I don’t want my Nanny and Butlers’ baby (still a bit of a potato; not yet quadruped and future biped) to feel guilty but rather this critical topic will be an opportunity to learn and be responsible as we all work towards a more equitable and inclusive culture.
Diversity is beautiful
Grateful, for all the varieties of beautiful (and delicious) flowers
Diversity is what makes the world we live in interesting. Imagine how boring life would be if we all looked the same, spoke the exact same way, and all liked the exact same things. (Imagine if there was only one kind of flower!?) The world could not handle six billion Mick’s. I am one of a kind and thanks to my extensive training and experience as a PCLC*, I recognize and acknowledge that I am a work in progress, and can in fact, be a bit extra at times. So. One Mick Jagger The Mini Pig is plenty. You, and most perfectly imperfect beings, biped or quadruped are just as interesting.
Educate yourself
Read books and articles from reputable sources. Educate yourself on the issues women, visible minorities, people with disabilities, 2SLGBTQQA+, religious minorities, and other marginalized groups face. Keep reading until you really understand systemic disrimination and the ways it harms. If you are still pondering on the idea of ‘a few bad apples’ keep reading.
If I have a tusk-ache, I go to a dentist, not a plumber. When my future motorcycle needs repairs (beyond simple things like an oil change that I will surely be able to do myself) I will take it to a mechanic and not to a lawyer. Basically, if you are getting medical advice from, say, a sports commentating comedian, you need to ask yourself, is my judgment impaired (possibly from eating too many deeply fermented, bad apples)?
Don’t ask people who look like they may know, delicate questions. Though some will kindly discuss, It’s not their job to teach you and potentially imposing a emotional burden on them isn’t fair.
Strive to be an Ally.
An ally is like an accomplice or co-conspirator, a decent being, really, that fights injustice and strives for equity.
This isn’t a very good example, I’m wise beyond my (2) years but have to admit I come up a little short in the whole life experience department.
Here goes: I once spotted an unfair fight and I spoke up. Well I screamed actually.
Tuk Tuk, the feral three legged cat was about to snatch one of the 14 wild baby turkeys that were passing through the farm and my scream startled the rafter of turkeys and they took off.
I warned the turkeys because it was an unfair fight.
Tuk is feral. He never went to school and can’t read so he doesn’t know it’s illegal to kill a wild turkey in this area and I don’t want my acquaintance to go to The Cat Clink for killing a wild turkey.
Tuk doesn’t mess with the turkeys anymore. Tuk knows better so he does better.
So, my dear Nincompoop, we must all hold ourselves personally responsible for making the world more fair and inclusive. Your friend may or may not reach out to you, remember that no matter what happens, forgiveness does not equal a pass, you will hopefully learn, grow and move forward in a positive manner.
* PCLC (Pretend Certified Life Coach)
**Note from the Editor: Mick is a pig, and would not consider insults directed at him to be ethnic or racial in nature as he does not want to minimize or make light of anyone who has experienced this form of abuse. He may have coined the term ‘mammalia slur’, not sure if it’s a real thing but since the thoughts and opinions expressed here are his own, we’re just going to go with it.
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