Ask Mick: How Should I Deal With Internet Trolls?
Dear Mick,
Someone called me a very rude and hurtful name on social media. I don’t even know this person, what should I do? Every time I think about it I get this lump in my throat and find myself blinking back tears.
Signed,
Trolled To Tears
Dear Trolled,
There are some bad bipedal primates out there, they sign onto social media and aren’t happy until they hurt someone.
I’ve been there… Years ago, long before I became a PCLC*, in a Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica online discussion someone called me an offensive mammalia slur** and made me cry. All I did was politely ask for a source to better understand their perspective on the panda’s phylogenetic place and this biped flew into a rage.
TBH, I didn’t deal with it well: I snuck 10 apple tonics, spent 2 days in bed, skipped my workout, stayed inside all day even though it was sunny outside, and ignored my friends when they stopped by to say hi.
I’ve come a long way since then, and while “Cheez Whiz has personality” “Mickers has coping strategies! Coping strategies!”
Here are my top tips for dealing with Qwerty Clowns:
Kick A Little Dirt On It And Carry On
More often than not, it’s okay to simply let someone be wrong on the internet.
True cyberbullies and trolls are not interested in engaging in a civilized discussion. Rather, they are looking to engage in a pointless battle in order to inflict pain and humiliate by saying the most mean-spirited offensive things.
Simply mute, report or block and carry on.
Carry on and worry about those who walk up to you in real life, and those that love and support you.
Step around the poop
Let’s say you are out for a walk and you see a pile of dog poop. Do you step in it? Or simply walk around it? Engaging in a pointless battle is kind of like stepping in poo, when you could have just walked around it.
Stepping around the poop is one single response. No further exchanges.
Options:
- “I don’t care about your opinion”
- “no”
- “okay, sure”
- “sounds good”
- Insert: A witty remark making fun of yourself, or a punch-up style comeback
Step around the poo, write one single response and don’t look back. The biped will likely escalate their predatory behaviour, and that’s okay. Their intent is to terrorize, not engage in a meaningful productive discussion.
Nail Jello To A Tree
“We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.” ― The Princess Bride
You will probably have better luck nailing Jello to a tree than having a cordial conversation with a troll. In very rare cases, though, the hominid may actually be open to a civilized discussion.
I’ve only experienced this once, here’s what happened: I posted a photo wearing a silk scarf that had flowers on it. Now, I love flowers (they are delicious). Plus I looked really sharp. This biped made an inflammatory comment, filled with pejoratives.
Maybe it was their dandelion coloured hair cut into a super neat style, something about them made me think a real being was behind the hate filled remark. The real bad trolls don’t usually use real photos of themselves in their profile pictures.
How to nail jello to a tree in three easy steps:
Find common ground
A pinch of dirt will suffice.
I responded that “it’s not everyday you see a pig wearing a scarf! Imagine the start you would have gotten if you saw me fly. Just kidding, I haven’t figured that out yet. I’d certainly not be spending my winters in Canada if I could fly, LOL.”
Blaise Pascal (a philosopher. Are you familiar with him?) recommends acknowledging their perspective, particularly how they are right, then gently pointing out a different point of view in the spirit of eliciting their cooperation.
Respectfully share how they are misguided
Once their view is acknowledged:
- Respectfully share that you understand that times have changed and they may have been raised differently. (We’ve got to ‘rise above our raising’ they say. I mean, I was born in a barn! Now I sport stylish scarves and I’m a PCLC*.)
- Explain that differences and diversity are what make this world beautiful. Mammals, particularly human primates, have different values.
- Express that you are not suggesting they reject their beliefs and values. But, they should never harass or ridicule someone just because they don’t understand or support them.
- Live and let live with kindness and respect. In life we will encounter others with different beliefs and the idea is to be accepting.
There is no single right way to get a haircut.
Three Strikes and ‘yur’ out of the Old Troll Game
Should the biped carry on with their obtuse nonsense, limit your respectful responses to three. After three replies, accept that your efforts are falling on big hairy deaf ears. They are not willing to engage in a productive discussion. Kick a Little Dirt On It And Carry On.
On Carrying On
A strange melancholy stealing over as you walk away from an uncomfortable online exchange?
Here are a few things you can do:
- Remind yourself that it’s those you encounter in the flesh that are important.
- Know that for some reason, bipeds can be awful with others they do not know.
- Talk about what happened with someone who loves and supports you
- Have some water
- Exercise (I’m a fan of quick TABATA’s, maybe some Bronco Kicks to Pillars)
- Spend some time outside
- Eat a healthy snack
- Tidy your place
- Read a few chapters of whatever book you have on the go. (I’m re-reading Great Expectations)
- Spend time partaking in an offline activity you enjoy.
See Something Say Something. We’re talking to you by-standers
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” – Monty Python
Witness a Digital Devil terrorizing someone? Intervene and tell them their behaviour is not acceptable. Imagine if the majority of participants on an online platform banned together to shoo away the troll? The bad biped will be outta there like poop through a goose.
* PCLC (Pretend Certified Life Coach)
**Note from the Editor: Mick is a pig, and would not consider insults directed at him to be ethnic or racial in nature as he does not want to minimize or make light of anyone who has experienced this form of abuse. He may have coined the term ‘mammalia slur’, not sure if it’s a real thing but since the thoughts and opinions expressed here are his own, we’re just going to go with it.
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